I Wonder Whats Next (random thoughts)

I’m at my cousins telling him that my life is falling apart. He always said that he never had to worry about me. That he knew I had a good head on my shoulders and somehow I always fucking pull through. He tells me he’s sorry that I am going what I am going through. I think of all the ways I could have stopped a number of things. There is nothing I can do but bear the pain of it all.

Pasadena is a nice part of Los Angeles depending on what side of the freeway you’re on. Depending on the East or West end that you’re living on life can be quite nice to you. There is the Rose Bowl, then nice homes, then crack houses and drug deals made in the open, and then a number of very nice homes once again.

I’m in the office of a very good private defense lawyer. He is the type of man I want to be. He overcame abuse at all levels of insanity. He pulled himself up by working multiple jobs, and doing multiple roles as a big brother and mentor. He set examples that I don’t think he realizes he set for young kids like me who looked up to him and his scars, scooters, and waist length hair.

Achievements line the walls, but before you think to yourself that all lawyers have that shit to make themselves feel better you should know that each and every one of those were earned through work.

Through blood.

Anguish.

I’m looking down the barrel of a Baby Glock 9mm pistol. It feels strange in my hands. It looks strange to me. I wonder what it’s for. What are its intentions? Where has it been before it fell into my life? Real guns used to scare me but not anymore.

There are a number of things I think I missed growing up. Normalcy being one of them…

Moving far too often to really connect with anyone at all really takes its toll on a child. I told myself that I would never do the same to anyone who relied on me given the chance. It wasn’t my choice though in the end.

Your life can crash around you and fight as you may, it just won’t be enough.

I’m now in a car in the middle of the night driving through K-Town. I see Asian communities pass me by in a blur of neon and grit. I’m told about holes in the wall that serve the best Korean BBQ in town. High end but well worth it. The owner is of such notoriety that she can call any boutique off of Rodeo Drive after hours and shop to her hearts content.

I pass million dollar homes and hear talks of important dates and times and procedures that I don’t understand fully because I am not educated enough. A 100 dollar bill exchanges hands. I scratch your back you scratch mine.

I pass through Hancock Park. Homeless people line the streets. Stories of loose connections to the Hillside Strangler fill my ears. Private investigations that scare men shitless make me laugh. There is a division of the LAPD devoted to Baby Killers. Heads cut off and body parts strewn about. Wire and plastic bags hold limbs and men and women deal with such things on a daily basis for a number of years.

I am empty and this night is all I’ve got. Dodger Stadium passes me by. Downtown is in the distance and it makes me feel at home. I don’t even know where home is anymore.

Men are not who you think they are. Men who have it all figured out in your mind actually want more. They do more. They are after more than one would think. They want bigger and better and they want restaurants and wives. They want better and admit that they are not proud of who they are.

If they are not than what hope do I have?

I woke up this morning in someone else’s home. I could have been in my own bed but it would be empty. My daughters’ bed is empty. What reason do I have to sit in such an empty place? I pat Filo on his head and he purrs and meows that old gnarled meow that comes with age to a feline.

I get to work early and smoke myself sick.

I wonder what’s next.