Me.
I did it with my mind.I had the toys.
I had the shows on VHS that Burger King released.
I wanted to make sweet, sweet love to April O’Neal in the worst of ways when I was far too young to know about such things.
I thought Raphael was the shit because of how sarcastic he was.
I thought Leo was cool because of his badass dual Katanas.
Donatello got much respect for me for being so smart. I mean, at that age, I could have sworn it didn’t get much worse than long division. Then Don comes in and blows my mind with his knowledge of books, computers, and Dimension X. He had all the answers.
Then of course there is Michelangelo and who didn’t love him?
I didn’t.
I know right?
Blasphemy!
Hear me out for just a moment. I’ll tell you right now that guy was cool and I don’t dispute this for a second, but Mike was a fucking tool of the highest order. Always eating his fucking pizza whilst Ralph was spitting out kick ass one liners like nobody’s business. Donatello was memorizing PI to 50 digits while Mike said things like “Dude” and “Totally”.
Fucking loafer.
It was then that I realized that this lazy mother fucker did what no person or Turtle ever did for me. He made me cynical. So while all my buddies rocked a pair of Nunchaku I sat by realizing that for whatever reason I chose a different path. In a sense Mike had the most influence on my life and I will forever be grateful.
With such a pull on me like I never knew and while I was playing the different versions of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles video games I realized that I wanted nothing more in the world than to see them on the silver screen. I wanted to see them live action and kicking ass like no other. It wasn’t too long after thinking this that the movie came to be. If I had died right then I would have died the happiest 9 year old in existence.
Then the death of innocence hit like a kick to the balls.
It started with the sequel, and the fact that Vanilla Ice damn near destroyed the movie. Then, immediately after that came the geniuses who decided that time traveling samurai Ninja Turtles would be appropriate. I watched and enjoyed but all the while a little bit of my childhood died. It was a slow agonizing death. Festering and rotting with the skin still attached. Turning black and blue and green but the worst was yet to come.
My mother moved us to Texas. I was still holding on to the few toys I had. One of them being my Leonardo action figure; we are living with family I never knew who in all honesty aren’t really my family at all. I come home from school and I find Leo.
On the floor.
He looks like a wounded burn victim. His body still has the fine plastic sheen that I knew and loved but something had gone horribly wrong. He smelled of permanent marker. I asked my cousin what unfortunate circumstances had could have possibly lead to such a thing. I found out that my cousins G.I. Joe had a falling out with poor old Leo. Leo was tied to a stake and burned alive which is the reason he looks like a blackened marshmallow.
Dead to me.
This cousin was my cousin no longer. I told my mom but all I got was a “Its just a toy” and with that my world crashed. I never got another Leo toy. I wanted my old one.
I got older. Vanilla Ice became the hack we all knew he was. Fresh Prince of Bel-Air came in to sweep me off my feet and take me into prepubescent hilarity and I said goodbye to the Turtles.
It all happened so quickly. At least, I can honestly say it was over before I fully realized. No more Turtles. The show disappeared from memory. Mc Donald’s abandoned the collector’s gems that were Fraggle Rock and the transforming dinosaurs.
Then I go into Mc Donald’s today and my childhood came back to me.
Thats right Bitches.
He's back.
He doesnt have the moves he once did, he's had some work done (what with the latest Turtle movie being CG) but you know what?
He's mine.
I went into Micky D's and says "Happy Meal Please" and I told myself I was getting Leo. I willed Leo into my Happy Meal Bag. Its 1989 all over again and I am eagerly anticipating the release of the flick. I'm back in my living room practicing my jump kicks. I'm back at the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Coming Out Of Their Shell Tour with my cousin Tony and my sister Leslie and I'm rocking out.
I pay the 3 dollars and whatever change with my debit card (thats how I roll) I get him upstairs and place him neatly on my computer.
He's looking at me right now.
He's saying "Zombie, its been a long time"
I say "Yeah man. It has..."
Leo winks and says "You thinking what I'm thinking?"
I know exactly what he means. I look left, I look right. I whisper so that only Leo can hear me
"G.I. Joe is gonna fucking pay".
