Monterey Jack's Cojones

I bought a Happy Meal for the first time in my life the other day.

The last time I actually got one was so far back I dont remember.

What I do remember was that they were always cool. It didnt matter who you were or if you are a boy or a girl. All that did matter is that Fraggle Rock has cars that come with the Happy Meal and if you didnt have one you were shit. Not "The Shit" (I dont think that damned term came out till the 90's for some God awefull reason) but a big ugly steaming pile of Poo.

You'd know what this is if you were cool.

If you dont know what that is, and you are between the ages of 23 and 35 please do the world a favor and kill yourself. Trust me, its better this way.

I've lost these bastards in sand boxes and mud pits. Hell, they've run down my G.I. Joes in a fit of rage back when they mistook Joe for a Cobra Commander in what now is remembered as "The Great G.I. Joe Debaucle of 1990". Cobra had been hitting the Back Yard country side hard when they crossed a line they shouldnt have. If it wasnt for a brave group of Ninja Turtles to intervene, the Joe's camp would have been wiped out.

Sorry, I still have flashbacks to this day.

You just dont find cool toys like that in your Happy Meals anymore. At least, not that I have seen. I dont know what it is, but when all us kids were watching the same T.V. shows, and then we were able to go out and get the toy if we were good; it made us all (for lack of a better term) one.

I remember this one time, I had a platoon of green plastic army men holed up in the local tree stump. It was hell. Fucking mud was EVERYWHERE. There were green helmets sticking out of the mud, and pretty soon the levy that was built not 10 minutes prior was gonna blow. Some dickhead who did'nt read the blueprints correctly built the levy right on top of a waterhose.

If it werent for one hero we would have lost alot of good men. They just dont make them like this anymore do they? To Hell with Harrison Ford, I dont care if he has a pilot's license or how many hikers he's helped out. His balls arent nearly as big, or as rock solid as Monterey Jack's Cojones.

We'll always remember the fallen. There was a group of Blue Cowboys caught in the flood. None were ever seen again.

No longer are those days. Now we have toys to choose from. Now we have fucking Hot Wheels and Barbies in the Happy Meals. Dont get me wrong, I have nothing against either (other than Hot Wheels training young boys that a 4 cylinder Honda Civic is cooler than American Muscle or Barbie toys teaching girls how to be money grubbing whores).

See, you can get these toys ANYWHERE. Its like advertising toys that are already available. Why put a cheap version of a car that comes in a better pack at the local toy shop? Why put a themed Barbie when there are tons at the Toys R Us? This is rediculous.

I want something new and exciting.

I was thinking I needed a change when I walked by the Golden Arches and noticed this...

I dont know what the fuck it is.

Really I dont.

Sure you may be thinking its got absolutely nothing on the Happy Meal toys of your youth and your right but you know what? Its different. I didnt know what the hell I could to with it. Is it dangerous? Can I stick it somewhere and have my mother yell at me for it? Is it good or bad? Does it have some message that needs to go to the Voltron crew before they are too late to thwart my talking ALF character from handing Teddy Ruxpin his own ass? I just dont know, and I think thats why I have so much fucking respect for it.

I saw this and went right out and spent 2.99 of my own hard earned cash. I told the nice lady behind the counter proudly

"One Cheeseburger Happy Meal please." I took it right upstairs, opend my box and had an added bonus.

In case your missing the fucking genius in front of you, this little bastards nose lights up. The eyes kind of wiggle when you shake them (I checked). Its exactly the last thing a group of Food Fighters wants to see just before storming Castle Greyskull. The last group who even dared go near Greyskull since this green sonuvabitch took residence is just a memory.

There was one survivor.

Only one survivor out of an entire envoy of brave souls sent to ask The Green One to let Skelletor back. If it wasnt for his trustee steed, the poor guy would have never made it back.

Random Reasons I Hate You Or Someone You Know (Part 2-The Return Of Mr. Asshat)

You are miserable. I understand that on every level.

I really do.

So, if I work with you and your the type that complains about everything I can understand. You come to work and you can talk all you want and not have to deal with anyone in your personal life ever hearing about it. I may not like having to sit next to you but at least I understand the dynammic we have. That is, you are a bitch and I am not.

Cool.

The thing is, dont take your misery with you everywehere. I do my best not to.

There are several things I put into the category of "Shit I Dont Need To Hear"

Shit I Dont Need To Hear

-Racism
-Sexism
-Homophobia (I think there should be a new word. Phobia dictates someone is afraid of something, and what we know as Homophobia is really more of a hate isnt it? Maybe its just me. From now I'll call it "Get Your Dick Away From My Assism)

I wont go into the particulars but if you excercise any one of these actively there is a VERY good chance I dont like you. Its nothing personal. Its just that I have accepted that you and I are different and I am better off not getting to know you.

I will be cool with you though. I'll say hello. I'll ask how you are. I will make the effort to be as freindly as I can be. Really. I think more people should try this. Please dont think I mean to be fake because thats not what I am about. I just give people the benefit of the doubt and hell, maybe my feelings will change. You never know.

Where was I?

Ah...

I'm at my Company Holiday Party and I get along with most of my co workers. The ones in my department I actually like. We are all mostly the same age even though we are all very different we really like each other.

Cept this one dude.

He's Mr. Racist.

He's Mr. "Eew what are you eating!?"

He's in his 50's and he cries and whines constantly.

You've all read the blog. He's a dick. He hates you because your either Black, Gay, Female, etc. UNLESS your betting on football. If your betting cold hard cash on American Football he likes you. He'll even have you over his place for beer and a game then when you leave he'll complain that you did something too much like what or who you are, whatever that is.

I dont humor him and leave him be. He complains and bitches and thats fine. For some reason he shows up to the Holiday Party though. Why? Didnt anyone tell him that WE are gonna be there.

When I say WE I mean. Us. The other people in the office. We are a motley bunch. One of us is a new father (Me), one of us is a mother (not me), a gay woman (also not me), a gay man (not me again, though some of you just wont listen). Some of us are Black (not me, but I am trying) Asian (Do I have to be Asian to be a Ninja? I am a Ninja you know) and so on.

The holiday party is fun. I am having fun. I mean, there is TONS of free booze and food. We are laughing it up. Then I see him. Now, take into consideration ALL OF THE ABOVE you just read.

I go up.

Zombs-Hey man how's it?

(I extend my hand but he ignores it)

Asshat-Eh. This party blows man.

Zombs- Yeah, typical holiday party though. You drinking?

Asshat- I shouldnt. I think I'll leave before it starts I fucking hate this

-Silence-

Zombs-Well man, we'll be over here for a bit. Join us dude dont be a stranger.

Asshat-Yeah man.

Then he walks downstairs.

You know what? Stay home. Dont bring down my party. Damn it there is Freakin Fosters on tap like sweet Mana from Heaven. Its like the Good Lord Himself came down and turned all the water to wine for me this one night. I mean, there is steak and chicken and Rice Pilaf.

I requested Spanish Rock form the DJ just because I could and you know what? HE FUCKING PLAYED IT. Jeez I dont even know Spanish!

I know its just a stupid holiday party but I am not one to have a crappy time just because I may not like where I am. I am gonna have some fun.

It was sweet. I drank loads, my girlfriend got shit-faced, we all made horrible self depricating jokes about ourselves and woke up the next day with hangovers.

Keep your opinions "Mr. I-Live-With-My-Cat-And-My-Meth-Addicted-Girlfriend."

A great man once said...

"Fuck you Mr. Asshat, I hate you"

Wait no, that was just me.

Random Reasons I Hate You Or Someone You Know (Part 1)

I opened a door for some guy about my age walking into this apartment complex. I was walking out the door and noticed that he was coming in with both arms full of clean new laundry. So I open the door, walk out, and hold it for him.

Did he say "Thank You?"

Nope.

That Fuckhead walked right in like he owned the place. He didn’t even have the sense to nod or anything. Fuck. It’s not like anyone is going to think you’re gay for having a guy hold the door for you. Besides, I WAITED for his ass. He was 15 feet away and I had the common decency to wait for him.

He's lucky he didn’t get his ass beat down from me like the Fucking Ninja That I Am. There are however, several factors that did save this guy's life. Allow me to list them.

1. Ninja Code dictates that I kill only in self defense. I think.
2. I was holding a piece of Pizza in my hand at the time (Pepperoni and Sausage). He's not worth the cheese that gets stuck to the Pizza box. I love that stuff.
3. I can’t fight.
4. He looked really mean.
5. I love The Internets (What I mean is. Instead of saying something timely and clever, I waited till I got to work to enter my thoughts, spell check them, and proofread them several times which only proves that not only am I officially not the Ninja I thought I was but I am also a pussy. That makes me even more mad, because what this person did was not only insult me with his lack of manners, but brought me to this horrible realization and now it makes me dislike him even more.)

Thank you Mr. "Im to good to say thank you".

I fucking hate you.

I dont get it.

Oh I don’t know. I made it a point to sit down and write about something that would make me feel better but to be honest I have nothing to write.

In other words nothing has pissed me off enough for me to actually validate my writing something about it. Is this bad?

On the one hand one could assume that I am actually happy for a change. Right…

On the other hand it could be said that I am just blocked, and the mild success (Success is being used very loosely here) of my first several blogs was a fluke.

I would most likely go with the latter.

Why learn English?

This escrow company calls me all day long every day asking for documents and profiles. This is a free service for companies who do business with us on a regular basis. The escrow company I am talking about does not do business with us. We have tried to give them ultimatums but it doesn’t work.

Why?

They barely speak English, and therefore can barely understand us when we tell them to stop abusing our services. It amazes me that Realtors and Loan officers are handling your money and your life and they can’t even ask the appropriate questions to get the appropriate documents.

One profile I produce can be up to 50 pages or more. It’s usually not that large, but I have opted to include the pages that you really don’t need in the profiles. My buddy and I just did this with about 6 profiles. That’s almost a ream and a half of paper. All faxed to the same fax machine at the same time.

Its childish, it’s petty, and it’s a waste of time to be this spiteful…


But its fun…

I Hate Orca Whales

We stop by one local Diner that we haven’t been to in a while. This is only because we were about to hit up the IHOP, until we realized it’s no longer there.

So off to Shakers, and let me tell you a few things you need to know about the Awesomeness that is Shakers, and its owners.

1.They know there shit. I mean, they really do. They own 2 Shakers restaurants, 1 Wild Thyme Café, and most importantly they own The Diner.
2.The Diner kicks ass. It’s like something out of a Tarantino film; all they way down to the cheesy wanna be 50’s feel of the whole place.
3.Good service, quick food, and most importantly Vanessa’s sister works there so I pretty much have to say all this shit (actually, we don’t see her much so we head over on weekends so we get to say hello and she can say hi to our daughter, and Vanessa might read this so I pretty much had to put in this little side note as well).

It’s nice to go to a place you feel comfortable in. A nice, clean place with good service, well fuck all that because none of it happened.

First, Shakers is in the City of South Pasadena. For those of you who don’t live in the Los Angeles area the more common spelling
of this city is actually $$$$ <- That is all you need to write. “Excuse me sir?” “Yes?” “I’m a bit lost; do you know how to get here?”














“Ah, you take the 10, Exit Fremont and head north…”

You get it. Anyway...

Also found in South Pas is quite a few old people. Old people with money, to put it into perspective, South Pasadena is where my mother used to take me and the rest of the local poor children Trick or Treating.

Vanessa and I enter the Shakers. Some Emo-Bitch takes our name and we are taken to our seats.

Here is the thing about me and customer service. I really don’t care all that much. There is this great Thai place that treats Vanessa and I like crap. The only times we have ever gotten good service at this place is when we had our Asian friends with us. It’s amazing really. Then again, I don’t mind being the token Mexican in the group if my Asian friends don’t mind the constant questions regarding Real Estate and Nail Salons. The food at this place kicks ass, so we don’t mind it one bit. Sad huh?

What I mean is just give me my food and leave me alone. If I have everything I need I wont bug you at all.

We walk to our table and as usual the place is crowded with Old Farts. It’s funny how much old people hate me. Seeing as we have a baby they automatically assume that we have brought the spawn of Satan. Well, I never acted up in public as a kid. My daughter won’t be allowed to, and besides she’s a pretty good baby. Not because we were blessed with an angel or anything, but because we know that babies need to be handled a certain way. I’m no expert, but here is what my folks did with me.

Tired kid? Then that means cranky kid without a nap so cranky kid does NOT GET TAKEN TO A FUCKING MOVIE THEATER.
Hungry kid? Then that means cranky kid without any food so cranky kid does NOT GET TAKEN TO A FUCKING MOVIE THEATER.
Dirty kid? Then that means cranky kid without a fresh diaper so cranky kid does NOT GET TAKEN TO A FUCKING MOVIE THEATER.
Bored kid? Then that means cranky kid without some play time so cranky kid does NOT GET TAKEN TO A FUCKING MOVIE THEATER.

It’s really not all that hard. So for every Movie Theater reference please feel free to switch with Restaurant, Toy Store, Mall, Library, Crack House, Airplane etc. This is not set in stone so feel free to print this list, add your own, and hand out to your sister and her fuck-up “Baby-Daddy”.

Being the natural bad ass that I am I stare down all these old people 5 times my age. I’m pretty sure I can take at least one of them. The dirtiest look I receive is from some old Veteran who can’t be sure, but thinks I’m hiding Charlie.

Our waitress is about 500 pounds so we ask her if she’s had the different quiche that’s on the menu. Look, if you’re going to be that fucking huge the least you can do is know your shit when it comes to food. I mean, I’ve put on a few pounds the last couple years and I aint afraid to tell you that you gotta try the chili cheese fries at The Hat.

She knows nothing, and even tells us that she’s never had the Veggie quiche because she doesn’t eat Veggies. Really? You don’t say!

She takes our order, and leaves me to fend for myself. First things first, I consider sitting the baby down in a booster seat, but as I pick it up; I realize that my hand has somehow been glued to the seat. No really, I’m talking industrial strength adhesive. Well, either that or Shakers hasn’t cleaned this booster since 1982.

That’s fine; Emma is happy sitting next to us on a blanket playing with some odds and ends. I order a Burger because Shamu says they are pretty good and the fries are supposed to be in top form today. Vanessa orders the Vegetarian Quiche because she is insane. Emma drools.

So, the Quiche blows. No flavor. Hell, everything used to have flavor in this place. It’s as if all the old people got together and decided that in addition to taking over the local rec. center, they are also consolidating all salt in the local area and burning it because it’s from the devil. Dickheads.

My burger WOULD have been great with a little Ketchup. Just a dab every now and then would have been great. My waitress however neglected to provide condiments, and other very basic eating necessities which I can only assume is due the fact that she ate everything.

The fries are a sight to see really. Thick cut goodness and a wonder to smell, I mean they smell great. Though, have you ever bit into a Twinkie? Well, take the good part of said “Twinkie” and replace it with greasy potatoness wrapped in death and you have the crap I was eating.

Sometime later Orca-Fat shows up to take our place, we just ask for the check. Because were disgusted. Rich kids are running through the aisles. Some old man keeps looking at me like I’m shaking my baby. Biggie is kinda grossing me out.

Fuck Shakers.

Midget Porn Rocks

Okay,

My department decorated uh, my department for Halloween. I know what your thinking,

"Congrats dickhead, you put up pictures of kittens in pumpkins and now you want an award for it"

Well, youre pretty much right. Except for the fact that we also put up craploads of Spiderwebs, fake scenery, effing skeletons (we miss you Bob. Bob, by the way was twice as productive as I am). We had an eight foot long bat staring at us and a spider almost as creepy as my mother hanging from the ceiling.

So, as an incentive for such an awesome dispaly of our complete lack of productivity we get a lunch. Free food. They say religion is the opiate for the masses. I say, you people need to work in Title becuase religion or not, these Mother Fuckers like to eat.

Alright.

Fine.

"What part of this could possibly lead you to blog this crap?"

I'll tell you.

This is me. About 4 feet to my right in the next cubicle (thats right, I said cubicle. This is what my life has come to) is quite possibly the most angry human being I've ever met.

I mean this guy is miserable. Its like Hurricane Katrina blew through this fuck heads mind and left lots and lots of angry people in its wake.

This guy hates everything.

In contrast my department is made of of "20-30 Somethings" who enjoy any one or more of the following...

1. Rock (Some of us like Madonna but they dont count to me anymore based on this alone)
2. Hip Hop (Grounds for being banished from my life but this guys pretty cool)
3. Clubbing (I dont do it but I live vicariously through Mr. Marshall)
4. Drinking (Go Alchoholism!)
5. Myspace (So sue me asshole that shits like crack)
6. MP3 players (I put this in to underscore the age we live in)
7. Slacking Off (Mostly by me)
8. Gay Sex (Its a modern world. Get fucking used to it)
9. Thai Food (Almost as good as number 1, probobly twice as good as number 8 (So I've been told) and compliments number 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7 very well.
10. Other Races (I usually hate people base on the level of stupidity and not how they look (except for Midgets. They creep me out. Midget porn on the other hand, that shit kicks ass.))

Things we hate,

1. Well, this guy.

Things this guy hates.

1. Rock (Most of it really. If Sammy Hagar isnt in it he doesnt like it. Have you seen Sammy Lately? Fuck)
2. Hip Hop (Not based on what its sounds like, but because Black People (So I've heard) and rich white kids dig it)
3. Clubbing (This guy hasnt been to the theatre since Natural Born Killers first came out, what makes you think he's gonna go to a club?)
4. Drinking (Actually he likes this but only becuase his body rejects water)
5. Myspace (On grounds that there are too many Black People)
6. MP3 players (He doesnt know what these are really, but he's pretty sure it has to do with Asian people. He doesnt like them either.)
7. Slacking Off (If you arent doing it his way, then you arent doing it right, and you are therefore wrong)
8. Gay Sex (Wow this guy hates The Gays. I dont see what his problem is really, if you've seen the chick he's been banging the past few years you'd think he was Gay. In other words I'm pretty sure she has a cock.)
9. Thai Food (Actually this is the reason the whole blog started. I'll get back to that in one sec)
10. Other Races (Also related to the Thai Food topic. This guy doesnt do any of the above mainly because it involves large groups of poeple interested in things he does not and never will be able to understand.)

Where was I? Oh yes.

Things this guy likes.

1. Hating 1-10 (and all things I included in parenthesis)

SO...

We have the unenviable task of deciding between 10 people what we all want to eat. It shouldnt be that hard really. We are all lazy asses though so we spend the day "thinking" about it. My boss suggests Olive Garden. I'm sorry but Olive Garden blows. Its like the fucking Chucky Cheese of fine dining. If fine dining were porno, Olive Garden whould be a snuff film (good only in very small doses and even then only when there is nothing else around).

This guy thinks its a great idea and runs with it because he absolutely hates everything we suggest. The thing is...

HE NEVER HELPED US DECORATE

So he doest really have a say in the matter. I know he wants to but sorry brother, youre assed out.

He finds that we have dissagreed with him and runs all over the office talking shit. He even has the nerve to complain like so...

"They all wanna fucking eat Thai food fucking Japanese, Chinese, fucking Dirty-nese..."

You read that right. Dirty-nese. Of course the person he said this in front of is Japanese. Which only underlines my point as to why this guy is such a prick. If there is any good to him at all its that it makes for great comedy. Why?

Well for one, the Dirty-Nese chick he said this in front of is pretty fucking cool and basically laughed at his ass.

Also, we like to antagonize him. Its never blatant really, but any chance we get to talk about eating Asian food with large groups of Gay Black Hip Hop loving people we go for it.

They should make homes for people like him. I should start one. I think I'll call it "Zombs Home For People Who Like To Eat The Souls Of Small Black Babies"

Oh wait no, I think they call it prison.

I'm Stabbing You In The Face With My Mind

Why do people insist on being total pricks? Really I don’t understand it at all. How does one wake up one day and decide that pompous is exactly what they want to be on that particular day?

Needless to say I work with lots of assholes. Am I a porn star? No. So if my chosen profession is not one of the following I don’t need to deal with Pricks and Assholes.

A) Fluffer: A fluffer is a hired member of the crew of a pornographic movie whose role on the set is to sexually arouse the male participants prior to the filming of scenes requiring erections. (Thank you Wiki)

B) Crackhead: That’s right; I don’t suck cock for money to buy my drugs. Has the thought passed my mind? I’m not telling. I’m just saying its not something I do (anymore) so I don’t need to deal with the amazing amounts of dicks I get on a day to day basis.

C) Phone Sex Operator: Although I am one sexy bitch over the phone I don’t charge people to get down and dirty via land-line.

D) Politician: I don’t have people tickling my taint just so I can do shit for them. I can not turn the tides of change. I cant rouse any sort of reform. I’m just an angry lil Mexican who’s lost his way in the world and lets face it, our standards aren’t that great anyhow. So please stop blowing smoke up my ass. Examples? I got em right here bitch…

D-1 Don’t call me buddy if you’ve never met me. For that matter don’t call me buddy ever unless your twice my age and have been sexually molesting me since I was 8 or so (in which case where the fuck is my candy?).
D-2 Don’t tell me your coming into the office to bring me food I don’t need. Have you seen me lately? It’s not fucking pretty.
D-3 For the love of all that is Holy do not under any circumstances try to relate to me if you and I have never done any of the following.
-D-1 v 3.2 Fucked.
-D-1 v 3.3 That’s it.
-D-4 I had something great to say just now, but I took a phone call and some weenie just called me and said “Hey buddy, I’m stopping by with some pastries for you guys. Go Raiders!” (I don’t even like sports.)

E) Toilet Paper: “Oh no he di int!” Oh yes I did. It’s not my job to wipe your ass so don’t assume that I am going to.

That’s it I’m out.

Someones Got a Case of the Mondays...

Someone says this to me today. Can you believe it?

Me neither. Needless to say this persons body will never be found. Sorry. It had to be done.

On a lighter note I've started my blog from scratch. Im so sorry you missed the last page I had, which consisted of two of the worst blogs ever written. It really was a sight to behold.

Im tired. Im cranky. Im wierd lately. Meh! Thats all I can say right now. Meh!