Monterey Jack's Cojones

I bought a Happy Meal for the first time in my life the other day.

The last time I actually got one was so far back I dont remember.

What I do remember was that they were always cool. It didnt matter who you were or if you are a boy or a girl. All that did matter is that Fraggle Rock has cars that come with the Happy Meal and if you didnt have one you were shit. Not "The Shit" (I dont think that damned term came out till the 90's for some God awefull reason) but a big ugly steaming pile of Poo.

You'd know what this is if you were cool.

If you dont know what that is, and you are between the ages of 23 and 35 please do the world a favor and kill yourself. Trust me, its better this way.

I've lost these bastards in sand boxes and mud pits. Hell, they've run down my G.I. Joes in a fit of rage back when they mistook Joe for a Cobra Commander in what now is remembered as "The Great G.I. Joe Debaucle of 1990". Cobra had been hitting the Back Yard country side hard when they crossed a line they shouldnt have. If it wasnt for a brave group of Ninja Turtles to intervene, the Joe's camp would have been wiped out.

Sorry, I still have flashbacks to this day.

You just dont find cool toys like that in your Happy Meals anymore. At least, not that I have seen. I dont know what it is, but when all us kids were watching the same T.V. shows, and then we were able to go out and get the toy if we were good; it made us all (for lack of a better term) one.

I remember this one time, I had a platoon of green plastic army men holed up in the local tree stump. It was hell. Fucking mud was EVERYWHERE. There were green helmets sticking out of the mud, and pretty soon the levy that was built not 10 minutes prior was gonna blow. Some dickhead who did'nt read the blueprints correctly built the levy right on top of a waterhose.

If it werent for one hero we would have lost alot of good men. They just dont make them like this anymore do they? To Hell with Harrison Ford, I dont care if he has a pilot's license or how many hikers he's helped out. His balls arent nearly as big, or as rock solid as Monterey Jack's Cojones.

We'll always remember the fallen. There was a group of Blue Cowboys caught in the flood. None were ever seen again.

No longer are those days. Now we have toys to choose from. Now we have fucking Hot Wheels and Barbies in the Happy Meals. Dont get me wrong, I have nothing against either (other than Hot Wheels training young boys that a 4 cylinder Honda Civic is cooler than American Muscle or Barbie toys teaching girls how to be money grubbing whores).

See, you can get these toys ANYWHERE. Its like advertising toys that are already available. Why put a cheap version of a car that comes in a better pack at the local toy shop? Why put a themed Barbie when there are tons at the Toys R Us? This is rediculous.

I want something new and exciting.

I was thinking I needed a change when I walked by the Golden Arches and noticed this...

I dont know what the fuck it is.

Really I dont.

Sure you may be thinking its got absolutely nothing on the Happy Meal toys of your youth and your right but you know what? Its different. I didnt know what the hell I could to with it. Is it dangerous? Can I stick it somewhere and have my mother yell at me for it? Is it good or bad? Does it have some message that needs to go to the Voltron crew before they are too late to thwart my talking ALF character from handing Teddy Ruxpin his own ass? I just dont know, and I think thats why I have so much fucking respect for it.

I saw this and went right out and spent 2.99 of my own hard earned cash. I told the nice lady behind the counter proudly

"One Cheeseburger Happy Meal please." I took it right upstairs, opend my box and had an added bonus.

In case your missing the fucking genius in front of you, this little bastards nose lights up. The eyes kind of wiggle when you shake them (I checked). Its exactly the last thing a group of Food Fighters wants to see just before storming Castle Greyskull. The last group who even dared go near Greyskull since this green sonuvabitch took residence is just a memory.

There was one survivor.

Only one survivor out of an entire envoy of brave souls sent to ask The Green One to let Skelletor back. If it wasnt for his trustee steed, the poor guy would have never made it back.

Random Reasons I Hate You Or Someone You Know (Part 2-The Return Of Mr. Asshat)

You are miserable. I understand that on every level.

I really do.

So, if I work with you and your the type that complains about everything I can understand. You come to work and you can talk all you want and not have to deal with anyone in your personal life ever hearing about it. I may not like having to sit next to you but at least I understand the dynammic we have. That is, you are a bitch and I am not.

Cool.

The thing is, dont take your misery with you everywehere. I do my best not to.

There are several things I put into the category of "Shit I Dont Need To Hear"

Shit I Dont Need To Hear

-Racism
-Sexism
-Homophobia (I think there should be a new word. Phobia dictates someone is afraid of something, and what we know as Homophobia is really more of a hate isnt it? Maybe its just me. From now I'll call it "Get Your Dick Away From My Assism)

I wont go into the particulars but if you excercise any one of these actively there is a VERY good chance I dont like you. Its nothing personal. Its just that I have accepted that you and I are different and I am better off not getting to know you.

I will be cool with you though. I'll say hello. I'll ask how you are. I will make the effort to be as freindly as I can be. Really. I think more people should try this. Please dont think I mean to be fake because thats not what I am about. I just give people the benefit of the doubt and hell, maybe my feelings will change. You never know.

Where was I?

Ah...

I'm at my Company Holiday Party and I get along with most of my co workers. The ones in my department I actually like. We are all mostly the same age even though we are all very different we really like each other.

Cept this one dude.

He's Mr. Racist.

He's Mr. "Eew what are you eating!?"

He's in his 50's and he cries and whines constantly.

You've all read the blog. He's a dick. He hates you because your either Black, Gay, Female, etc. UNLESS your betting on football. If your betting cold hard cash on American Football he likes you. He'll even have you over his place for beer and a game then when you leave he'll complain that you did something too much like what or who you are, whatever that is.

I dont humor him and leave him be. He complains and bitches and thats fine. For some reason he shows up to the Holiday Party though. Why? Didnt anyone tell him that WE are gonna be there.

When I say WE I mean. Us. The other people in the office. We are a motley bunch. One of us is a new father (Me), one of us is a mother (not me), a gay woman (also not me), a gay man (not me again, though some of you just wont listen). Some of us are Black (not me, but I am trying) Asian (Do I have to be Asian to be a Ninja? I am a Ninja you know) and so on.

The holiday party is fun. I am having fun. I mean, there is TONS of free booze and food. We are laughing it up. Then I see him. Now, take into consideration ALL OF THE ABOVE you just read.

I go up.

Zombs-Hey man how's it?

(I extend my hand but he ignores it)

Asshat-Eh. This party blows man.

Zombs- Yeah, typical holiday party though. You drinking?

Asshat- I shouldnt. I think I'll leave before it starts I fucking hate this

-Silence-

Zombs-Well man, we'll be over here for a bit. Join us dude dont be a stranger.

Asshat-Yeah man.

Then he walks downstairs.

You know what? Stay home. Dont bring down my party. Damn it there is Freakin Fosters on tap like sweet Mana from Heaven. Its like the Good Lord Himself came down and turned all the water to wine for me this one night. I mean, there is steak and chicken and Rice Pilaf.

I requested Spanish Rock form the DJ just because I could and you know what? HE FUCKING PLAYED IT. Jeez I dont even know Spanish!

I know its just a stupid holiday party but I am not one to have a crappy time just because I may not like where I am. I am gonna have some fun.

It was sweet. I drank loads, my girlfriend got shit-faced, we all made horrible self depricating jokes about ourselves and woke up the next day with hangovers.

Keep your opinions "Mr. I-Live-With-My-Cat-And-My-Meth-Addicted-Girlfriend."

A great man once said...

"Fuck you Mr. Asshat, I hate you"

Wait no, that was just me.

Random Reasons I Hate You Or Someone You Know (Part 1)

I opened a door for some guy about my age walking into this apartment complex. I was walking out the door and noticed that he was coming in with both arms full of clean new laundry. So I open the door, walk out, and hold it for him.

Did he say "Thank You?"

Nope.

That Fuckhead walked right in like he owned the place. He didn’t even have the sense to nod or anything. Fuck. It’s not like anyone is going to think you’re gay for having a guy hold the door for you. Besides, I WAITED for his ass. He was 15 feet away and I had the common decency to wait for him.

He's lucky he didn’t get his ass beat down from me like the Fucking Ninja That I Am. There are however, several factors that did save this guy's life. Allow me to list them.

1. Ninja Code dictates that I kill only in self defense. I think.
2. I was holding a piece of Pizza in my hand at the time (Pepperoni and Sausage). He's not worth the cheese that gets stuck to the Pizza box. I love that stuff.
3. I can’t fight.
4. He looked really mean.
5. I love The Internets (What I mean is. Instead of saying something timely and clever, I waited till I got to work to enter my thoughts, spell check them, and proofread them several times which only proves that not only am I officially not the Ninja I thought I was but I am also a pussy. That makes me even more mad, because what this person did was not only insult me with his lack of manners, but brought me to this horrible realization and now it makes me dislike him even more.)

Thank you Mr. "Im to good to say thank you".

I fucking hate you.