Midget Porn Rocks

Okay,

My department decorated uh, my department for Halloween. I know what your thinking,

"Congrats dickhead, you put up pictures of kittens in pumpkins and now you want an award for it"

Well, youre pretty much right. Except for the fact that we also put up craploads of Spiderwebs, fake scenery, effing skeletons (we miss you Bob. Bob, by the way was twice as productive as I am). We had an eight foot long bat staring at us and a spider almost as creepy as my mother hanging from the ceiling.

So, as an incentive for such an awesome dispaly of our complete lack of productivity we get a lunch. Free food. They say religion is the opiate for the masses. I say, you people need to work in Title becuase religion or not, these Mother Fuckers like to eat.

Alright.

Fine.

"What part of this could possibly lead you to blog this crap?"

I'll tell you.

This is me. About 4 feet to my right in the next cubicle (thats right, I said cubicle. This is what my life has come to) is quite possibly the most angry human being I've ever met.

I mean this guy is miserable. Its like Hurricane Katrina blew through this fuck heads mind and left lots and lots of angry people in its wake.

This guy hates everything.

In contrast my department is made of of "20-30 Somethings" who enjoy any one or more of the following...

1. Rock (Some of us like Madonna but they dont count to me anymore based on this alone)
2. Hip Hop (Grounds for being banished from my life but this guys pretty cool)
3. Clubbing (I dont do it but I live vicariously through Mr. Marshall)
4. Drinking (Go Alchoholism!)
5. Myspace (So sue me asshole that shits like crack)
6. MP3 players (I put this in to underscore the age we live in)
7. Slacking Off (Mostly by me)
8. Gay Sex (Its a modern world. Get fucking used to it)
9. Thai Food (Almost as good as number 1, probobly twice as good as number 8 (So I've been told) and compliments number 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7 very well.
10. Other Races (I usually hate people base on the level of stupidity and not how they look (except for Midgets. They creep me out. Midget porn on the other hand, that shit kicks ass.))

Things we hate,

1. Well, this guy.

Things this guy hates.

1. Rock (Most of it really. If Sammy Hagar isnt in it he doesnt like it. Have you seen Sammy Lately? Fuck)
2. Hip Hop (Not based on what its sounds like, but because Black People (So I've heard) and rich white kids dig it)
3. Clubbing (This guy hasnt been to the theatre since Natural Born Killers first came out, what makes you think he's gonna go to a club?)
4. Drinking (Actually he likes this but only becuase his body rejects water)
5. Myspace (On grounds that there are too many Black People)
6. MP3 players (He doesnt know what these are really, but he's pretty sure it has to do with Asian people. He doesnt like them either.)
7. Slacking Off (If you arent doing it his way, then you arent doing it right, and you are therefore wrong)
8. Gay Sex (Wow this guy hates The Gays. I dont see what his problem is really, if you've seen the chick he's been banging the past few years you'd think he was Gay. In other words I'm pretty sure she has a cock.)
9. Thai Food (Actually this is the reason the whole blog started. I'll get back to that in one sec)
10. Other Races (Also related to the Thai Food topic. This guy doesnt do any of the above mainly because it involves large groups of poeple interested in things he does not and never will be able to understand.)

Where was I? Oh yes.

Things this guy likes.

1. Hating 1-10 (and all things I included in parenthesis)

SO...

We have the unenviable task of deciding between 10 people what we all want to eat. It shouldnt be that hard really. We are all lazy asses though so we spend the day "thinking" about it. My boss suggests Olive Garden. I'm sorry but Olive Garden blows. Its like the fucking Chucky Cheese of fine dining. If fine dining were porno, Olive Garden whould be a snuff film (good only in very small doses and even then only when there is nothing else around).

This guy thinks its a great idea and runs with it because he absolutely hates everything we suggest. The thing is...

HE NEVER HELPED US DECORATE

So he doest really have a say in the matter. I know he wants to but sorry brother, youre assed out.

He finds that we have dissagreed with him and runs all over the office talking shit. He even has the nerve to complain like so...

"They all wanna fucking eat Thai food fucking Japanese, Chinese, fucking Dirty-nese..."

You read that right. Dirty-nese. Of course the person he said this in front of is Japanese. Which only underlines my point as to why this guy is such a prick. If there is any good to him at all its that it makes for great comedy. Why?

Well for one, the Dirty-Nese chick he said this in front of is pretty fucking cool and basically laughed at his ass.

Also, we like to antagonize him. Its never blatant really, but any chance we get to talk about eating Asian food with large groups of Gay Black Hip Hop loving people we go for it.

They should make homes for people like him. I should start one. I think I'll call it "Zombs Home For People Who Like To Eat The Souls Of Small Black Babies"

Oh wait no, I think they call it prison.