Monterey Jack's Cojones

I bought a Happy Meal for the first time in my life the other day.

The last time I actually got one was so far back I dont remember.

What I do remember was that they were always cool. It didnt matter who you were or if you are a boy or a girl. All that did matter is that Fraggle Rock has cars that come with the Happy Meal and if you didnt have one you were shit. Not "The Shit" (I dont think that damned term came out till the 90's for some God awefull reason) but a big ugly steaming pile of Poo.

You'd know what this is if you were cool.

If you dont know what that is, and you are between the ages of 23 and 35 please do the world a favor and kill yourself. Trust me, its better this way.

I've lost these bastards in sand boxes and mud pits. Hell, they've run down my G.I. Joes in a fit of rage back when they mistook Joe for a Cobra Commander in what now is remembered as "The Great G.I. Joe Debaucle of 1990". Cobra had been hitting the Back Yard country side hard when they crossed a line they shouldnt have. If it wasnt for a brave group of Ninja Turtles to intervene, the Joe's camp would have been wiped out.

Sorry, I still have flashbacks to this day.

You just dont find cool toys like that in your Happy Meals anymore. At least, not that I have seen. I dont know what it is, but when all us kids were watching the same T.V. shows, and then we were able to go out and get the toy if we were good; it made us all (for lack of a better term) one.

I remember this one time, I had a platoon of green plastic army men holed up in the local tree stump. It was hell. Fucking mud was EVERYWHERE. There were green helmets sticking out of the mud, and pretty soon the levy that was built not 10 minutes prior was gonna blow. Some dickhead who did'nt read the blueprints correctly built the levy right on top of a waterhose.

If it werent for one hero we would have lost alot of good men. They just dont make them like this anymore do they? To Hell with Harrison Ford, I dont care if he has a pilot's license or how many hikers he's helped out. His balls arent nearly as big, or as rock solid as Monterey Jack's Cojones.

We'll always remember the fallen. There was a group of Blue Cowboys caught in the flood. None were ever seen again.

No longer are those days. Now we have toys to choose from. Now we have fucking Hot Wheels and Barbies in the Happy Meals. Dont get me wrong, I have nothing against either (other than Hot Wheels training young boys that a 4 cylinder Honda Civic is cooler than American Muscle or Barbie toys teaching girls how to be money grubbing whores).

See, you can get these toys ANYWHERE. Its like advertising toys that are already available. Why put a cheap version of a car that comes in a better pack at the local toy shop? Why put a themed Barbie when there are tons at the Toys R Us? This is rediculous.

I want something new and exciting.

I was thinking I needed a change when I walked by the Golden Arches and noticed this...

I dont know what the fuck it is.

Really I dont.

Sure you may be thinking its got absolutely nothing on the Happy Meal toys of your youth and your right but you know what? Its different. I didnt know what the hell I could to with it. Is it dangerous? Can I stick it somewhere and have my mother yell at me for it? Is it good or bad? Does it have some message that needs to go to the Voltron crew before they are too late to thwart my talking ALF character from handing Teddy Ruxpin his own ass? I just dont know, and I think thats why I have so much fucking respect for it.

I saw this and went right out and spent 2.99 of my own hard earned cash. I told the nice lady behind the counter proudly

"One Cheeseburger Happy Meal please." I took it right upstairs, opend my box and had an added bonus.

In case your missing the fucking genius in front of you, this little bastards nose lights up. The eyes kind of wiggle when you shake them (I checked). Its exactly the last thing a group of Food Fighters wants to see just before storming Castle Greyskull. The last group who even dared go near Greyskull since this green sonuvabitch took residence is just a memory.

There was one survivor.

Only one survivor out of an entire envoy of brave souls sent to ask The Green One to let Skelletor back. If it wasnt for his trustee steed, the poor guy would have never made it back.