They Still Make You?

1-Holy Lord do they really make people as ignorant as you? Did you just use the words “My black friend” in a sentence? Did you just say something negative about Asian people (not that you would ever say Asian. You said “China People” if I remember correctly). Not only did you say something negative, but you said it to a dude whose wife is Asian!

2-Did you really just mention something about your cock in front of one of the oldest women in the office? Hell, did you really just mention something about your cock in front of one of the oldest women in existence? Does it not strike you as odd that not a single one of your antics is actually taken seriously because of how much joy you get out of making people uncomfortable?

3-Okay okay okay, I know you just interrupted me because you want to get this over quickly. So do you know what I am going to do? I’m going to smile and make sure you hear my smiling voice over the phone while you complain to me for fucking up your file. After your done ranting to me for far too long I am going to fill you in that had you not interrupted me, I would have told you that you’ve called the wrong damn department, and I never worked on this file.

4-For the love of all is good and holy in the world, please stop looking and staring at my food every time you pass by it. Its not that this bothers me because it doesn’t, but last time I checked you are in your 40’s and you crunch your nose and make a funny face every single time you decide that this food is icky. Wow.

5-I know that it is important to have a positive view of ones self. I know that obesity is not something to treat in a rude manner, I have to say this as nicely as possible. You are a good 600 pounds, and you don’t need to be wearing the worlds smallest jean jacket.

Fuck this I’m out…

Better You Than Me

I’m waiting for the elevator to begin my work day. On my way to the elevator lobby I notice the strong smell of citrus cleaner which means that the janitor on duty is either hard at work has just finished cleaning up a fine mess some moron has left.

I am right, and I notice that this man is on his knees, toiling away at some scuff marks on the tile. So, naturally I go around him and leave to his job. Far be it for me to bother someone in the middle of working hard. I continue my wait for the elevator.

Enter another person ready to begin her day at the office. An older women looking like any other generally cranky lady. It astounds me that at this hour some people manage to be condescending without even trying.

She looks down at the gentleman (I say gentleman because even though he is on hands and knees, he sees her and smiles good morning).

I know what’s coming.

Hag: Tough job…

Janitor: ::smiles:: Someone’s gotta do it though

Hag: Well, I’m sorry its you but I’m glad it isn’t me ::smiles::

At this point my eyes shoot open at my janitor friend and he has this blank look on his face. It says a lot this look. It says mostly that “I’m thinking of filling your ears with some of this citrus smelling goodness till your eyes fall out of our face”

I don’t blame him.

I snicker, but when she turns to me I am looking right at her with the most incredulous look I can muster and she at the very least has the decency to blush.

The elevator door opens, and I tell her ladies first. She enters, and holds the door for me but I tell her I think I’ll wait for the next one.

The last thing she hears is me saying how much I think some people are just assholes.

Take My Birthday And Shove It

So what if I don’t like to celebrate my birthday?

Who cares?

I'm not telling you not to celebrate yours. I'm not shitting on your "day" am I? So don’t shit on
mine.

I know this one queer, who thinks that just because its his birthday, he can do and ask whatever
the fuck he wants.

"I love my birthday. I can do whatever the fuck I want." -Some Queer.

See?

That’s lame to me.

Who the fuck are you that this one day is special, and I have to suddenly lick your balls? How’s about you kiss my ass and we call it even?

So, every year my birthday comes around, and every year I tell people in my life that I don’t want to do anything. I know what your thinking Asswipe.

I do.

"Oh, you're one of THOSE. You're the type that says he doesn’t want to do anything, and then is all mad that no one even said Happy Birthday to you huh?" -Some Asswipe

No you dick.

If you wish me happy birthday I will return this with a solid and honest "Thank you". I appreciate that you took the time to say something like this. You didn’t have to at all. You also didn’t have to get me a card, or give me anything but you did and it means a lot to me.

BUT! I don’t expect it, nor do I really want it. Is there something wrong with that? I don’t walk around every year with a rain cloud over my head, I don’t get all bitchy and I don’t make your life miserable so I have someone to be miserable with.

I just like to be left alone.

That’s it.

I am happy when I am alone.

I enjoy the silence. I enjoy being able to sit and think. Just think. Look at my life; look at how far I have come. I am still alive, and have an amazing little girl, I own an Xbox 360. Hell, all is right with the world.

No, its not.

Because for some reason people insist that how I spend my birthday is fucking lame. Well, fuck you too.

I ask for the same thing every year.

"What do you want for your birthday" -Friend/Family

"Nothing really, but a video game would be cool or just a gift card to get one." -Me.

THAT’S ALL FOLKS!

How easy is that? I either want something I will use and enjoy for some number of months or get this…

FUCKING YEARS (an example is I bought a copy of a little game called Halo 2 well over a year ago, and because of the wonders of the internet I play it at least once a week. I’d say I’ve been enjoying that little gem and getting my money back for it wouldn’t you?)

Or a gift card, by asking for this gift card, it’s like saying...
"Hell, a few bucks toward something that interests me would be great, and you don’t even have to waste your time on me. This way, I get what I want, and you get to go back to your life and have a good time!” -Me Again.

I can only think of a couple of reasons why one would have the nerve to say that this is lame.

1-You are one of these people who have always been babied on your birthday, and the people in your life have also made it a point to bitch and point out that "It’s my birthday so I get what I want".

2-My saying that I don’t really care for birthdays must really bother you and make you think that I don’t care about yours either which, to be honest, is just not the case.

3-You are retarded.

Maybe it’s because I grew up poor. I grew up with so little cash that by the time I was 10 I knew not to make a big deal about my birthday.

My mother suffered a freaking tumor in her back by this time; my sister was running around fucking up the world at the tender age of 13. My parents were split. I was bouncing between Mom and Dad. We were moving twice a year and I had no friends. I learned that the little things that I got were a blessing. I learned to be grateful even if I had nothing because some people have even less than that. I had my family (or what was left of it) and that’s something to be happy about. The rest is trivial. No one ever told me all of this; I found this all out along the way.

How is there something wrong with that?

Monterey Jack's Cojones

I bought a Happy Meal for the first time in my life the other day.

The last time I actually got one was so far back I dont remember.

What I do remember was that they were always cool. It didnt matter who you were or if you are a boy or a girl. All that did matter is that Fraggle Rock has cars that come with the Happy Meal and if you didnt have one you were shit. Not "The Shit" (I dont think that damned term came out till the 90's for some God awefull reason) but a big ugly steaming pile of Poo.

You'd know what this is if you were cool.

If you dont know what that is, and you are between the ages of 23 and 35 please do the world a favor and kill yourself. Trust me, its better this way.

I've lost these bastards in sand boxes and mud pits. Hell, they've run down my G.I. Joes in a fit of rage back when they mistook Joe for a Cobra Commander in what now is remembered as "The Great G.I. Joe Debaucle of 1990". Cobra had been hitting the Back Yard country side hard when they crossed a line they shouldnt have. If it wasnt for a brave group of Ninja Turtles to intervene, the Joe's camp would have been wiped out.

Sorry, I still have flashbacks to this day.

You just dont find cool toys like that in your Happy Meals anymore. At least, not that I have seen. I dont know what it is, but when all us kids were watching the same T.V. shows, and then we were able to go out and get the toy if we were good; it made us all (for lack of a better term) one.

I remember this one time, I had a platoon of green plastic army men holed up in the local tree stump. It was hell. Fucking mud was EVERYWHERE. There were green helmets sticking out of the mud, and pretty soon the levy that was built not 10 minutes prior was gonna blow. Some dickhead who did'nt read the blueprints correctly built the levy right on top of a waterhose.

If it werent for one hero we would have lost alot of good men. They just dont make them like this anymore do they? To Hell with Harrison Ford, I dont care if he has a pilot's license or how many hikers he's helped out. His balls arent nearly as big, or as rock solid as Monterey Jack's Cojones.

We'll always remember the fallen. There was a group of Blue Cowboys caught in the flood. None were ever seen again.

No longer are those days. Now we have toys to choose from. Now we have fucking Hot Wheels and Barbies in the Happy Meals. Dont get me wrong, I have nothing against either (other than Hot Wheels training young boys that a 4 cylinder Honda Civic is cooler than American Muscle or Barbie toys teaching girls how to be money grubbing whores).

See, you can get these toys ANYWHERE. Its like advertising toys that are already available. Why put a cheap version of a car that comes in a better pack at the local toy shop? Why put a themed Barbie when there are tons at the Toys R Us? This is rediculous.

I want something new and exciting.

I was thinking I needed a change when I walked by the Golden Arches and noticed this...

I dont know what the fuck it is.

Really I dont.

Sure you may be thinking its got absolutely nothing on the Happy Meal toys of your youth and your right but you know what? Its different. I didnt know what the hell I could to with it. Is it dangerous? Can I stick it somewhere and have my mother yell at me for it? Is it good or bad? Does it have some message that needs to go to the Voltron crew before they are too late to thwart my talking ALF character from handing Teddy Ruxpin his own ass? I just dont know, and I think thats why I have so much fucking respect for it.

I saw this and went right out and spent 2.99 of my own hard earned cash. I told the nice lady behind the counter proudly

"One Cheeseburger Happy Meal please." I took it right upstairs, opend my box and had an added bonus.

In case your missing the fucking genius in front of you, this little bastards nose lights up. The eyes kind of wiggle when you shake them (I checked). Its exactly the last thing a group of Food Fighters wants to see just before storming Castle Greyskull. The last group who even dared go near Greyskull since this green sonuvabitch took residence is just a memory.

There was one survivor.

Only one survivor out of an entire envoy of brave souls sent to ask The Green One to let Skelletor back. If it wasnt for his trustee steed, the poor guy would have never made it back.

Random Reasons I Hate You Or Someone You Know (Part 2-The Return Of Mr. Asshat)

You are miserable. I understand that on every level.

I really do.

So, if I work with you and your the type that complains about everything I can understand. You come to work and you can talk all you want and not have to deal with anyone in your personal life ever hearing about it. I may not like having to sit next to you but at least I understand the dynammic we have. That is, you are a bitch and I am not.

Cool.

The thing is, dont take your misery with you everywehere. I do my best not to.

There are several things I put into the category of "Shit I Dont Need To Hear"

Shit I Dont Need To Hear

-Racism
-Sexism
-Homophobia (I think there should be a new word. Phobia dictates someone is afraid of something, and what we know as Homophobia is really more of a hate isnt it? Maybe its just me. From now I'll call it "Get Your Dick Away From My Assism)

I wont go into the particulars but if you excercise any one of these actively there is a VERY good chance I dont like you. Its nothing personal. Its just that I have accepted that you and I are different and I am better off not getting to know you.

I will be cool with you though. I'll say hello. I'll ask how you are. I will make the effort to be as freindly as I can be. Really. I think more people should try this. Please dont think I mean to be fake because thats not what I am about. I just give people the benefit of the doubt and hell, maybe my feelings will change. You never know.

Where was I?

Ah...

I'm at my Company Holiday Party and I get along with most of my co workers. The ones in my department I actually like. We are all mostly the same age even though we are all very different we really like each other.

Cept this one dude.

He's Mr. Racist.

He's Mr. "Eew what are you eating!?"

He's in his 50's and he cries and whines constantly.

You've all read the blog. He's a dick. He hates you because your either Black, Gay, Female, etc. UNLESS your betting on football. If your betting cold hard cash on American Football he likes you. He'll even have you over his place for beer and a game then when you leave he'll complain that you did something too much like what or who you are, whatever that is.

I dont humor him and leave him be. He complains and bitches and thats fine. For some reason he shows up to the Holiday Party though. Why? Didnt anyone tell him that WE are gonna be there.

When I say WE I mean. Us. The other people in the office. We are a motley bunch. One of us is a new father (Me), one of us is a mother (not me), a gay woman (also not me), a gay man (not me again, though some of you just wont listen). Some of us are Black (not me, but I am trying) Asian (Do I have to be Asian to be a Ninja? I am a Ninja you know) and so on.

The holiday party is fun. I am having fun. I mean, there is TONS of free booze and food. We are laughing it up. Then I see him. Now, take into consideration ALL OF THE ABOVE you just read.

I go up.

Zombs-Hey man how's it?

(I extend my hand but he ignores it)

Asshat-Eh. This party blows man.

Zombs- Yeah, typical holiday party though. You drinking?

Asshat- I shouldnt. I think I'll leave before it starts I fucking hate this

-Silence-

Zombs-Well man, we'll be over here for a bit. Join us dude dont be a stranger.

Asshat-Yeah man.

Then he walks downstairs.

You know what? Stay home. Dont bring down my party. Damn it there is Freakin Fosters on tap like sweet Mana from Heaven. Its like the Good Lord Himself came down and turned all the water to wine for me this one night. I mean, there is steak and chicken and Rice Pilaf.

I requested Spanish Rock form the DJ just because I could and you know what? HE FUCKING PLAYED IT. Jeez I dont even know Spanish!

I know its just a stupid holiday party but I am not one to have a crappy time just because I may not like where I am. I am gonna have some fun.

It was sweet. I drank loads, my girlfriend got shit-faced, we all made horrible self depricating jokes about ourselves and woke up the next day with hangovers.

Keep your opinions "Mr. I-Live-With-My-Cat-And-My-Meth-Addicted-Girlfriend."

A great man once said...

"Fuck you Mr. Asshat, I hate you"

Wait no, that was just me.

Random Reasons I Hate You Or Someone You Know (Part 1)

I opened a door for some guy about my age walking into this apartment complex. I was walking out the door and noticed that he was coming in with both arms full of clean new laundry. So I open the door, walk out, and hold it for him.

Did he say "Thank You?"

Nope.

That Fuckhead walked right in like he owned the place. He didn’t even have the sense to nod or anything. Fuck. It’s not like anyone is going to think you’re gay for having a guy hold the door for you. Besides, I WAITED for his ass. He was 15 feet away and I had the common decency to wait for him.

He's lucky he didn’t get his ass beat down from me like the Fucking Ninja That I Am. There are however, several factors that did save this guy's life. Allow me to list them.

1. Ninja Code dictates that I kill only in self defense. I think.
2. I was holding a piece of Pizza in my hand at the time (Pepperoni and Sausage). He's not worth the cheese that gets stuck to the Pizza box. I love that stuff.
3. I can’t fight.
4. He looked really mean.
5. I love The Internets (What I mean is. Instead of saying something timely and clever, I waited till I got to work to enter my thoughts, spell check them, and proofread them several times which only proves that not only am I officially not the Ninja I thought I was but I am also a pussy. That makes me even more mad, because what this person did was not only insult me with his lack of manners, but brought me to this horrible realization and now it makes me dislike him even more.)

Thank you Mr. "Im to good to say thank you".

I fucking hate you.

I dont get it.

Oh I don’t know. I made it a point to sit down and write about something that would make me feel better but to be honest I have nothing to write.

In other words nothing has pissed me off enough for me to actually validate my writing something about it. Is this bad?

On the one hand one could assume that I am actually happy for a change. Right…

On the other hand it could be said that I am just blocked, and the mild success (Success is being used very loosely here) of my first several blogs was a fluke.

I would most likely go with the latter.