How Did I Get Here?

"Josh."

"Josh?"

"Josh!"

"Josh."

I can hear, but not see whats going on. There are bright lights and the smell of sulfer is in the air. That gun powdery smell that makes you sniff wafts across the lawn I am sitting on. If I open my eyes the world will spin. If I get up my head might explode. If I say anything remotely close to coherent it will be a feat of will and determination.

"Josh are you okay? Talk to me."

I shake my head.

"Josh can you get up?"

I shut my eyes tighter and finger "no".

I vomit. How did I get here?

Its 9am or so, and I am getting my stuff out of my buddy Nicks place. I'm heading over to see my daughter and talk to her mother about "stuff".

Its about 11am and my baby momma and I are bickering/fighting. I cant stop thinking about how much I love this woman.

Its roughly 12pm and my daughter and I are at the local Ihop. I dig into a low carb grease-fest while my daughter Emma does the same with 4 of her specially made pancakes that she loves so much. I watch as her chubby hands move their way over to the pile of torn pancakes I made for her. She finds the right one and puts it in he mouth, only to discover that I slipped in a scrambled egg. She then spits the egg onto the table and I cant help but laugh. Emma 1, Dad 0.

I enjoy these times with my 14 month old. I like just her and I in a diner. She will talk about gibberish, and I will ask her if she is being good with Momma, and if she is behaving with Grandma. She of course responds to it all with random nonsense that only a child can spit out. Though, her facial espressions as she does this carry so much weight. Its amazing.

1pm, I am at my place with my daughter. She is stomping about my house in her little walking shoes that resonate throughout my linoleum palace. She has toys but plays with my stereo, or my shoes, or opens drawers and checks cardboard boxes. I have a chair for her to sit in that will entertain her for ages.

Her mother is with me, and the solace that comes with that is amazing and terrifying at the same time. When they leave they each take a peice of my heart with them for good measure. I decide that I will go to my friends house and do the only thing a red blooded Mexican American man of my age should be doing on this 4th of July.

Time to buy a bottle of whiskey.

So here I am wondering if I should stick with the old classic (Jack Daniels) or should I venture out into other realms of flavor that only a slight case of Alcoholism can appreciate? Makers Mark it is. Bourbon. I take my bottle and run into some pals. It feels good to see them again. Its them I'll be hanging out with tonight. I caught them on a beer run.

At 530pm or so I smoke a cigarette by myself with a bottle of Alchohol at my feet, and an energy drink in hand. I havent seen or hung out with these old friends in years. Its funny what time does to you, and what it doesnt.

I say hello to Casey again, give everyone I remember hugs. I say hello to my daughters play pal Mikaila Rose. I sit and chat and laugh at the smart ass remarks they make at eachother. These cutting japes are always well timed, and come with friendships that have lasted years. Its nice to be around this. Its been a long time. Too long.

Adam and I talk real estate and loans where we used to talk about Ska and record labels. Mikey knows of my current exploits through blogs and doesnt have words to convey whats going on. Its good to see him. Gabriel walks in and offers his hand. Its been too long since he and I last partied. Steven is angry because no on is eating his burgers. Mia and I know eachother from high school, but were never friends. Vivian just happened to be in cheer with my ex. I wonder if Johnny will come by. Glenda and I talk about my daughter Emma and her daughter Mikaila.

I open my bottle.

No one else really wanted to do any heavy drinking which is fine by me. By about 7 the bottle is nearly gone. Pictures have been taken, food has bee eaten. Its almost time for fireworks. I kill the last of the bottle and forgot that I told myself just 10 minutes prior to this moment that as long as I dont stand up and move a bunch I will be fine.

So I stand up...

"Josh where are you?"

"I dont know"

"Josh".

Its that salt n peppery phone voice I fell in love with back in high school. Its over the phone. I must have drunk dialed several people, left several others random text messages. Some of them recieved the same one twice. Thrice even.

At some point I called Glenda over to me and handed her my phone. She hears the worried voice of my ex on the other line. I have never been wasted in front of my ex. Ever.

In what seems like seconds Vanessa is standing over me. Talking to me.

How did I get here?

Oh yeah. The bottle.

4am. I wake up on the floor next to my daughters crib. She is not there. I look up and see Vanessa.

How did I get here?

We talk for a while. We can always talk for a while when our problems are not getting in the way.

I smell of alcohol and stale party.

7am and I am in the car with the two loves of my life Emma and Vanessa and we are at the coffee bean. I dont have a hangover because I am still buzzing. My ex picked me up from a party because dispite the fact that I dont want to be her friend anymore, and that the pain runs too deep between us (we've said so much, and done so much damage to eachother), she still loves me. Its funny how that works. I am glad that somehow it does, and maybe it will again. Who knows.

Emma is dropped off at day care. Vanessa drives me to my truck. I kiss her cheek and say thank you. She grabs my face and tells me to be more careful. I smile and shake my head no.

Sometimes I have to stop and wonder what happened to life, when did it start and when did it begin to end? Where was the party that we were supposed to have letting me know I am an adult? Where were the trumpets letting me know the race was on? Where were the advisors and the counsilers at when I needed them to tell me to shut the fuck up, or to speak for myself?

Sometimes I have to stop and say "How did I get here?".

I dont think I will ever figure that out.